Honesty and dishonesty are qualities that a child learns at home. Often parents are perturbed when their child lies.
It is common for young children to tell tall tales and make up stories. This is a normal tendency as kids enjoy telling and hearing stories that are fun. Children often tend to confuse the difference between fantasy and reality. This is perhaps more as a result of an extremely active imagination than of an attempt to hide the truth. As children get older, they may tell lies to suite their needs, like shirking responsibility and avoiding work. Parents should treat each instance of lying as an isolated one and respond by teaching the child about the necessity of trust and honesty.
Sometimes adolescents feel that it is alright to lie in certain situations like not telling ones girlfriend or boyfriend the real reason for a breakup as they are afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings. Adolescents might also lie to retain a sense of privacy and feel psychologically independent of their parents. The main role models in a child’s life are his or her parents. When parents catch their child lying, they should approach the matter gently but firmly, emphasizing the difference between a lie and the truth and the necessity for honesty. They should try to communicate to their child and find out the reason for dishonesty and help the child find an alternative. It is best to lead by example and a parent should never lie, and if they do, emphasize the inappropriateness of it. Consequences of lying must be discussed clearly and in a comprehensive manner with the child early in his or her life.
There are, however, some forms of dishonesty that should cause concern and might be a symptom of some underlying emotional problem. Sometimes children know the difference between a lie and the truth but choose to make up elaborate stories to gain attention.
Other adolescents or children, who seem to be sensible, can also fall prey to repetitive lying. It is common for them to feel that a lie is the most convenient method of dealing with the expectations of teachers, parents and friends. Here the child is not trying to be malicious or bad but just falls into a habit of repetitive lying. If the repetitive lying goes beyond a point, it is best to take it seriously and consult a professional child or adolescent psychologist who can provide help in time.
Abhishek Agarwal
http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/teaching-your-child-honesty-how-to-deal-with-a-lying-child-740356.html
Is it normal to resent my own child?
Before you answer, please know that I am not a young, immature woman. I know my child hasn’t done anything wrong, ask to be born, deserve I feel this way, yada yada, yada. Don’t tell me I need a therapist, should give my child up, etc. I’m looking for a real- or at least sympathetic answer from people who understand how I feel. All I’m looking for is ways to get through this without the negative criticism. Thank you.
Here’s the deal- Im a 30 yo mom of three children. Who I love. I had my first son when I was only 18, and was in a terrible, terrible relationship with his father. I left the relationship and moved on with just my son. Throughout the years I have been in a constant, never ending battle with his dad who I have grown to seriously dislike, and despise. He has stood my son up for his visits many, many times. Has been a no show for a big part of his life, to this day, and owes over $20k in child support. He has done everything under the sun to make my life miserable. No one has ever offered to help and its sad that people think just because you’re the mom you’re supposed to deal with every and any thing and its not supposed to affect you or your child. I have sacrificed so much for my son, and I hate the fact that I’ve had absoutely no support from anyone. Im just tired of it all.
When my son was six, I fell in love, and married my elementary school crush, and we now have two wonderful children together. I absoutely adore these kids. They are really the only thing keeping me together. When my husband first started coming around, my son adored him. He was playful, respectful, kind. As time went on, he became a monster. I made sure to spend lots of time with my son so he wouldnt feel left out, and had many talks with him about my relationship as it got more serious. My son adores his step brother and sister. He was one year old when his father and I separated, so its not like he’s ever known what it was like to have both of HIS parents. His father is a deadbeat. He’s pushing 40 years old and is just going to school for his GED. And he’s only doing that so they dont cut off his unemployment because he doesnt want to work. I gave up too much to raise my son alone, spent so much time in court. Cooking, cleaning, doing homework, buying food, clothes, toys, etc for my son (and yes thats my job as a mother) but a big part of my resentment is that his father has been running wild for 12 years and hasnt done a thing.
So a part of it is resentment towards the father, yes. However at this point, I seriously dont want to do anything else for my son. I hate having to be responsible for him. I dont want to spend anymore money on him. He’s been so cruel to my husband that he doesn’t want to be bothered with him either and I seriously dont blame him. He’s tried so hard to build a relationship with my son, and has been the only dad he has ever known, and gets treated terribly. I put my son in therapy when he was four because he started acting out in school and I knew it was related to his father’s constant let downs and it hasnt helped.
In all honesty, I feel like my son is nothing more than a burden. I dont enjoy my time with him, I shiver at his hugs and kisses. For the little time he does go with his dad, he makes him seem like hes the best thing walking because he lets him do whatever he wants when I have done all I can to discipline, and teach this boy how to be a good person. Yet he slaps me in the face each time and lies, acts up, and manipulates people. Sorry to say, but just like his father.
I just feel like I have the perfect life- minus my son. And I know some people will never understand how someone could feel this way about their own child, but I do. Im just trying to wait it out till he’s 18 and can move out, but I dont know what to do until then. I dont even want to be in the same room as him. I tried to give custody to his father he doesnt want him. There are no other family members that would take him. I have beautiful, intelligent children and I dont want them being influenced by him. I really feel like he is out of place in our home and sometimes I really wish someone would take him away. I just want that part of my life done and over with, but it haunts me every single day. I feel like I recently started treating him different- by staying away from him and I dont want it to be that way. I still take him out for just me and him time, and he is so ungrateful and rude I dread spending time with him. Its not fair to him, me or my family that this situation exists, but it does and I have no clue as to what I should do.
You say "Don’t tell me to see a therapist" Maybe YOU and your CHILD need separate and family therapy. If you don’t want that kind of advice than don’t ask the question and tell people what you don’t want to hear.
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First, I would like to say I have complete full respect for you being a single mom for all that time. You seem like a very smart and intelligent woman. Who even though has been dealt somewhat of a bad hand, you managed to get the best of the situation.
Normally, resentment of your own son seems very uncommon. How old is your son? Is he aware of this resent you have towards him? That may be the reason he is acting so disrespectful. However, you make great points on how he may just be taking up his fathers traits. [ Monkey-See, Monkey-Do.]
In my personal opinion, I think it is not normal to resent your child.
But it is possible to, given the correct circumstances.
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Your son is probably acting out because he know that you resent him and treat his siblings better. You ever read "A Child Called It"? If not then you should because you are headed down that road. You say that you don’t need therapy but it is clear to anyone who reads this that you need it badly. I can’t even imagine how bad your son must feel about himself knowing that his mother would rather someone just take him off her hands. Do the kid a favor and find him a guardian to take care of him.
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It sounds like he is at his worst right before and after seeing his father and the best thing would be to stop that relationship. You are only making it worse by distancing yourself and the rest of the family from him. When he is rude and disrespectful correct the behavior. Also he is 12 some age does have some play in this. He knows that his step-dad is not his real father. A lot of boys who’s father is not really in the picture start to act this way once they hit puberty.
I second a child called it and the books fallowing. They are the childs account for basically what you are doing and it gets much much worse.
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"Don’t tell me I need a therapist"
Rarely is the need for therapy — urgent need for intensive therapy — so glaringly obvious on Yahoo! Answers.
Lady. YOU NEED HELP. YOU WILL SCREW YOUR CHILD UP FOR LIFE IF YOU DON’T GET IT.
Family counseling would probably also be a good idea. But you desperately need to work on yourself.
And, "get therapy" isn’t "negative criticism," not any more than "see a doctor" is in response to "I have unexplained pain."
eta: I caught a whiff of eau de troll too. I was given pause, though, by how the people in the question aren’t given names. Usually we’d be reading about little Carter, Peyton, and Makenna &c. Though perhaps my radar is just plain off: I missed the "married my elementary school crush."
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Ok. Let’s be realistic. You don’t want to put him up for adoption, you don’t want therapy, but you detest the kid. What do you want? He isn’t going to magically disappear.
Call the bio dad and tell him you’ll forgive past child support if he will assume sole custody of the boy. Better yet, offer to pay a small amount of child support monthly. Then you can screw the guy you like and love the kids you squeezed out for him until he pisses you off, then you’ll have to pay him off to take the other two.
Please, get sterilized.
Nice trollin’ by the way.
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What do you mean "it’s not fair to him or my family?" He IS your family! He’s just not used to sharing you with 3 other people. It’s not his fault his father’s a loser.
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you are so wrong you don’t want to hear anything negative, so what do you want to hear? how great you are as a mother,woman,human being what a beautiful soul you have well sorry not from me. You only have bad things to say about your son and yes read it well YOUR SON,he didn’t ask you to open your legs to a loser nor did he choose you as his mom that is just the way the cards were dealt. DO you ever think about how he feels? he could probably sense your hate and everybody else under your roof since your other kids and hubby seem to be the brady bunch,you say you feel like he doesn’t belong bet he feels the same way do you care?UM no! you could give a rats ass. Your not hear to ask for advise on how to make the relationship with him work no advise or therapy can help you! you know what your doing is wrong and the only one that can change it is you! if your son is rude don’t play the blame game on the dad your the one who has been raising him obviously you haven’t done that great of a job! and anyways kids that age are difficult its called puberty. hope when your other amazing lil darlings get there its all peachy, but if its not thats ok cause you love them right! hope you and the rest of the clan don’t get murdered in your sleep, its happened so many times your messing with this kids head that some day he might just blow ur face off!
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My heart breaks for your son, EVEN THOUGH he’s been wretched towards you. Answer this – how many times have you said to him, "You’re just like your father?" How many times in his 12 yrs of life? Is it too many times to count? Do you see how you are the one that created this just as much as his father? Your son sounds like he is filled with rage, both from abandonment issues because of his dad and feeling of emotional abandonment by you. Put yourself in his shoes and try to see though his eyes and hear through his ears. What has he seen? What has he heard that would enrage him inside and make him rebel against you and your husband? Does he overhear you talking about him in a negative way?
I don’t know if you believe in God or not, but my suggestion to you is to pray that God would give you the strength to love your son even while he is lashing out at you or your husband. That he would give you compassion for your son and for his situation. That he would give you the eyes to see that although your son is driving you crazy, underneath he’s really only 12 yrs old and he IS NOT your ex. He is your child. He is just as much a part of you and your other 2 children. If you give them a hug, give him 2. If you tell them you love them, tell him as well, even if you don’t necessarily feel like it. Just do it.
I do pray the best for your situation. I can understand your frustration, but you have to look in the mirror and see how hostile you sound like you are being towards him as well. He may be far more perceptive than you give him credit for and he’s picking up on the hostility "in the air."
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Why do you refer to your first son and second two children as ‘step brother/sister"…they are half siblings because you are the mother of all three of them! I really think you have such a resentment for your son’s father, that you have sorta taken it out on your son. This situation is very sad for all of you! Not to mention what you are doing to your oldest son, but do you realize that you are also affecting the other two children as well? And you say that your husband feels the same way about your oldest son??…he obviously can’t be that great of a man! This child is 12 years old, and he is a part of you! I know you don’t feel like you need therapy or whatever, but you obviously need some kind of help..the situation bothers you enough to have ask for advice via internet. Deep down, you know there is a problem and surely you want to fix it….I actually commend you for being honest about the situation. Too many parents feel like this and know they will be criticized for voicing it, so they keep it hidden and live with the pain and destruction. Good for you for taking the first step…take it a step further and actually get a professionals perspective….it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself and your son.
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You don’t have to be young to be an immature woman.. resenting a child is childish and pointless.. maybe you should resent having had sex instid.. since you choose sex and the child did not choose to be born.
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